Reflection 1 - The Voice

So what about this voice inside your head, that keeps on telling you things. Where does it come from? Who is it?

Sometimes, this voice has been my worst enemy and sometimes a friend. I realized that I could interact with it, and make it nicer to me, if I was nice to it as well. When Singer talks about the Inner voice, or the inner monkey, I think we all know what he refers to, but for each one of us it takes a different form. So in this reflection, I am gonna present to you my inner voice.

It does not have a name but it has personalities. When I was younger, this voice told me that I should be perfect, always, so my family would love me. When I realized it did not work as I wanted, the voice started telling me that I should not care about anyone, and how I was never perfect enough. It told me that I was fat and then it kept telling me that I was not skinny enough yet. That was a whole period of my life, years, where everyday was shaped by how many calories I absorbed and how much I weighted. I never talk about this now in my daily life, but it was a very intense period. I always felt weak physically, and the less I ate, the louder the voice became. It told me that I should take less place, and that everyone knew how weird I was. I started believing it. I became very introvert and reserved, as it was already too loud in my head and it was not leaving much place for other humans.

This changed when I started talking at loud, of things I was ashamed of. And I discovered that some people understood and that I was not all alone in this. I discovered that I could trust some people to be vulnerable with. And that if I was disappointed, I could just process the deception and move on from it, without keeping it and being eternally ashamed of it. I think that is what Singer refers to when he talks about processing the thorns and removing them, even if it hurts in the beginning.

I learned to be nice with the voice, to tell it not to worry and that everything is gonna be fine. And then it starts repeating, reflecting me. Sometimes, it still starts making up sad stories, especially when it is frustrated. But I think I am better at calming it now. I give it some happy music to hear and some time to calm down. I believe this is an eternal process that I will have to relearn throughout my life again again and again, hoping that one day, this voice and I will truly be friends.